just had the very horrible realization that I’m just
not supposed to be here.
known for a while now. 25, 26 tops, or so I thought. But no.
Here I keep hanging on to something that should have died
so long ago. I think that my whole pattern of under achievement
is closely tied to my thought that I should be accomplishing
something big. Know I’m here for something big. I’m
not made for the stupid shit like this. I’m going to
change something, but I’m not sure what and I’m
not sure how.
I can assure you is that the reason I haven’t really
tried yet is I don’t want to go just yet. I’m
also deeply convinced that I’m going to be making something
big, and then I’m gonna be gone. A big part of me wants
to stay around for a while. A good long while. So I’ve
been just slogging away at the stupidest stuff. Didn’t
live to her full potential they said. Underachiever they said.
Well, they’d be right. I was once asked if I was afraid
of success or afraid of failure. A bit of both, so I thought.
But through the fog of tonite, I’m pretty convinced
it’s a fear of success…. Because if it’s
success then bust… well… then what?